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How to Bathe a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG


DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":      
 * When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.     You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped     on and then picked up and comforted.       
* For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,     unless you can lie across the book itself.       
* For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most     appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least     the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out     and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to     distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.     Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of     what the humans may tell you.       
* For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes     or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to     hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch     sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll     around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.     After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and     erasers off the table, one at a time.    
   * When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to     jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important, though, to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.CAT GAMES:       
* "Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those lumps     under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are     actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in     the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also     has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough     for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the     first to taste the Bed Mouse!       
* "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other     cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill     303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s).     Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics     as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.       
* Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so     that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are     generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.       
* Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold     chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites     of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.       
* When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically     becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take     care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your     Dignity.

PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tagmatch.

FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.       
* When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail     in their dishes when they are not looking.       
* Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.       
* Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough     to drink from.       
* Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to     attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not     be so polite and try to leave.       
* Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately     unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg     outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but     several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you     exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of     the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway     between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is not recommended.

HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

You know you have gone to the "DOGS" when ...

* Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to sleep on any piece they so choose.
* It takes an entirely separate garbage can to handle all the poop.
* All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out comes the checkbook.
* You and your family haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the dogs are all medically up to date.
* You start barking at your children to "Sit! Stay!"
* You're more concerned with the dogs' needs than your own when the budget gets tight.
* At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming, vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!
* Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room.
* You can only remember people by associating them with their dog.
* Overnight guests (who share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with you and the dog(s).
* You snuggle closer to the dog than the person with whom you are sleeping.
* You decide to downsize from a huge house in the city to an average country cottage with lots of land in order to build the kennel of your dreams.
* You spend more time looking through mail order catalogues for dog supplies than for Victoria's Secret nighties or Miles Kimball gadgets.
* All your social activities revolved around other dog people.
* Your voice is immediately recognized by your vet's receptionist.
* Everyone in the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were late for the meeting.
* The whereabouts of all your important legal and personal documents escapes you, yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the vet records, breed papers and registration.
* Your trunk has an emergency food kit for any strays you might come across.
* The majority of your charitable contributions go to animal organizations.
* To win a precious .75 show ribbon, you think nothing of forking out hundreds of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees, gas, accommodations and meals.
* You no longer have to buy extra large garbage bags, because the empty, 40 pound dog food bags work just as well.
* Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask a question because they heard you were a "dog person."
* Your mom calls and asks how the granddogs are.
* Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs.
* Your cookie jar has never seen the likes of people cookies.
* You rip up the carpet and lay tile to make clean up so much easier.
* Your children (wife, husband) complain that you always take more pictures of the dog than you do of them.
* While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there anyone else in your family besides the dog?"
* Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs.
* Your first concern when planning a vacation is whether or not the hotel will take pets.
* You politely bow out of an important social engagement so you can attend a dog show.
* The number one priority when buying a new house is the size and landscape of the backyard.
* The only (or at least first) forum you log onto is the animal forum.
* You describe your children as having temperaments rather than personalities.
* The cost of boarding your furkids equals that of your entire vacation.
* Your dog decides he doesn't like someone and you tend to agree.
* All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house.
* Your friends know which chair not to sit in.
* First time visitors wonder aloud, "Do you smell something?" and you really don't.
* You become the family dog kennel for all your relatives.
* You don't think twice about sitting on the floor because both the couch and the chair are completely dog full.
* Your desk proudly displays your canine family.
* All dates must pass your dog's inspection.
* The first question you ask when on a date is, "So, do you like animals?"
* You buy a bigger bed that will comfortably sleep six.
* You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on.
* More than half of your grocery money goes to dog food and treats.
* You buy a mini van to give them all enough travel room.
* Your carpeting matches the color of your dog -- purposely.
* The thought of changing a baby's diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up dog poop barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye.
* You send out specially-made holiday cards that feature you and the dogs.
* Your spouse issues the ultimatum "It's them or me" and you have no problem pointing out the suitcase.
* You readily allow them to give you slobbery kisses, but you don't dare wipe a toddler's nose.
* Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged pal, bite for bite.
* Your dog has the best birthday party over and above any kid in the entire neighborhood.
* Your dogs eat only the most nutritionally sound food, while your favorite meal is mac 'n cheese.
* You've traced your dog's family tree further than you have your own.
* You're more familiar with dog laws than you are with people laws.
* You stagger your dog magazine subscriptions to make sure you'll receive one every week.
* Your vet's office number is the first one on your speed dial list; his home is number two.
* One of your vet files is labeled "Other."
* Your vet takes a few extra courses just to keep up with your breed's assorted ailments.
* Your file is the only one that remains in the "IN" box.
* Your file rivals War And Peace.

Dogs are better than women because...

Dogs don't cry. 
Dogs love it when your friends come over. 
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. 
Dogs think you sing great. 
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. 
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. 
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. 
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 
Dogs are excited by rough play. 
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. 
Dogs understand that flatulence is funny. 
Dogs love red meat. 
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. 
Anyone can get a good looking dog. 
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 
Dogs don't shop. 
Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor. 
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. 
Dogs never need to examine the relationship. 
A dog's parents never visit. 
Dogs love long car trips. 
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. 
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. 
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. 
Dogs like beer. 
Dogs don't hate their bodies. 
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. 
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. 
Dogs never criticize. 
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 
Dogs never expect gifts. 
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. 
Dogs don't worry about germs. 
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had. 
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk and the 
back of your sock drawer. 
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. 
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one. 
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day. 
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. 
Dogs don't borrow your shirts. 
Dogs never want foot rubs. 
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. 
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 
Dogs can't talk. 
Dogs aren't catty. 
Dogs seldom outlive you. 

If a Dog were your Teacher
You would learn stuff like...

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a car ride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. As you enjoy the wind in your face, do not restrict your capacity to drool. When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily, if not by the minute. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the cool grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a tree. When you take a drink of water, find a human to drip the extra on. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often or severely you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joys of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Don't stop when you've had enough. Be loyal. Tolerate cats -- humans love that. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it, where ever that leads you. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

A dog thinks:
Hey, those people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.....
They must be gods!

A cat thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me......
I must be a god.


What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want..
2) They rarely listen to you..
3) They're totally unpredictable..
4) They whine when they are not happy..
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone..
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play..
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim..
8) They're moody..
9) They leave hair everywhere..
10) They drive you nuts and cost you money..

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats..

What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable pieceof furniture in the house..
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room..
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time..
4) They growl when they are not happy..
5) When you want to play, they want to play..
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play..
7) They are great at begging..
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies..
9) They can never have enough toys and they leave them everywhere..
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss..

Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats