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The lessons of life

If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

"Keep Your Fork"
There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order", she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible.   
Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.   

"There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastor's reply. "This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someon would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork'. It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and wit substance! So,     I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?'.   
Then I want you to tell them:"Keep your fork....the best is yet to come". The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman goodbye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming.  

 At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled.   
During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died.   
He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her.   

The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.   
He was right.

Swami Beyondananda
the Cosmic Comic
A great place to
park your Karma and curb your Dogma

Male Pride

  1. We know stuff about tanks
  2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
  3. We can open all our own jars  
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group  
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
  6. We can leave a motel bed unmade  
7. We can kill our own food
  8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
  9. Wedding plans take care of themselves  
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
 11. Our Underwear is $10 a three-pack
 12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
 13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
 14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
 15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
 16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
 17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me,"
 18. Same work-more pay
 19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
 20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift
 21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
 22. My pals will never trap me with: "So, notice anything different?"
 23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
 24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
 25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
 26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
 27. We don't have to shave below the neck
 28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
 29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
 30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
 31. We can do our nails with a pocket knife
 32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:  

 29 have been accused of espousal abuse   
7 have been arrested for fraud  
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses  
3 have been arrested for assault  
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit  
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges   
8 have been arrested for shoplifting  
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up? It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.


The Important Things Life Teaches You.... Number One:
The most important question during my second month of nursing school. Our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student = and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired, and in her 50's, but how would I know = her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In you careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve = your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Number Two: Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance, and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him, and drove away. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain had drenched not only my clothes, but my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others. Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

Number Three: Always Remember Those Who Serve In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is = a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were now waiting for = a table and the waitress became a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table, and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier, and departed. when the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. = There placed neatly beside the empty dish were two nickels and five pennies-her= tip.

Number Four: The Obstacle in Our Path In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On the approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.

Number Five: Giving Blood Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz, who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.
The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liz."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks.
Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood.
Attitude, after all, is everything.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.

Quotable Quotes

Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Jay Leno

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

Things you would never know without movies

1.   Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
2.   One of a pair of identical twins is always born evil.
3.   Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4.   Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5.   It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6.   When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7.   If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of   22.
8.   Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9.   Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving   fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, and then depart without witnessing the cruel and diabolical demise which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
13.   It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
15.   In war it is impossible to die unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German).
17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19.   If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises alone in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:   Enter   ...   Password Now.
22.   Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel   vigorously from left to right every few moments.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English

...The Tree

The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car we passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again." He paused. "Funny thing is," he smiled, "When I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there's not nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

With age comes...

<< You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds? Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.