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THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY - DEAD AT 71

  Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin.   Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.   The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."   Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on   half-baked schemes.   Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.   Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


Thingie

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his "thingie". So, he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the   sand except for his "thingie", which he left sticking out.                           

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "Thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world. " The other lady asked what she meant.

When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.


Why? Because ...

The reason why something is the way it is can often be more interesting than the thing itself.  For instance, did you ever wonder why:     

Dimes, quarters and half dollars have notched edges, while pennies and nickels do not?   
The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals.  Dimes, quarters and half-dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metal they contain are not valuable enough to shave.   

Men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?   
When buttons were invented, they were very xpensive and worn primarily by the rich.  Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are  right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.  And that's where women's buttons have remained since.   

Xs at the end of the letter signify kisses?   
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document.  The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.   

Shifting responsibility to someone else is called "passing the buck"?
  In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next player.   

People clink their glasses before drinking a toast?   
It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to the guest that the drink was safe, it became customary for the guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it  simultaneously.  When a guest trusted his host, he would then touch-or clink-the host's glass with his own.   

People in the public eye are said to be "in the limelight"?  
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime in an oxyhydrogen flame that produced a brilliant light. In the theater, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.   

People say mind your Ps and Qs when they want you to be careful?  
When children write letters, they sometimes get their lowercase  P's and Q's mixed up.  To help avoid mistakes, teachers of old used to remind them to "mind your Ps and Qs."   

Ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday" as their call for help?
  This comes from the French word m'aidez meaning "help me," roughly pronounced mayday.   

Someone who is feeling great is "on cloud nine"?   
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud.  If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.   

Zero scores in tennis are called "love"?   
In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called l'oeuf, which is French for "egg." When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it "love."   

Many coin banks are shaped like pigs?   
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense, orange clay called pygg. When  people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig, and it caught on.
 


Wright again

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.